Cypress, California. A swim school. A little girl with her fingers wrapped around the pool wall so tight her knuckles went pale.
I was maybe four or five. The instructor reached toward me with soft hands and I screamed. Not because she was unkind. Because the water behind her looked like it had no bottom.
While I trembled at the edge, other children were climbing the diving board and throwing themselves into the deep end — laughing, weightless, completely unafraid. I watched them and felt two things at once: terror, and a longing so sharp it hurt.
I didn't know then that longing is often the first sign of destiny.
The fear wasn't just physical. It felt older than my childhood, older than memory. I had dreams of drowning before I ever entered deep water. I'd wake up gasping, heart racing, reaching for the surface of something I couldn't name.
It took me twenty years to understand what the water was doing. It wasn't threatening me. It was asking me something — the same question, in every pool and river and dream:
long enough to find out what holds you?"
The fear and the calling were never separate. They were the same thing, looked at from different sides. I am still learning this. I am still in the classroom.
What in your life have you been gripping so tightly — that you haven't felt what might be underneath, holding you?
From Vol. I · Surrender to Self · Chapter 1